- Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.
- Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, and then turn it to the left. Repeat the exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
- At the end of the day, one thing we have in common is that we are all screwed up in some way.
- I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue.
- The awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight.
- Two roommates were watching the news. News: Serial killer on the loose. Blonde: Oh no! (runs to kitchen) Brunette: What are you doing? Blonde: Saving my cereal!
- What is meant by Mixed Emotions? Your enemy falls from 17th floor on your brand new Audi and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
- My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!!
- I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?”
- When butterflies are in love, do they feel human’s in their stomach?
- Dear friend #317, maybe you should slip into something more comfortable….. like a Coma
- A 3 a.m phone call “Were you asleep?” “No, I was skydiving!!!”
- A cop pulled me over today and said: “papers”, so I said: “scissors, I win!”
- My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Funny Facebook Status Updates
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