Funny Facebook Status Updates

• Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.
• Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, and then turn it to the left. Repeat the exercise every time you are offered something to eat. 
• At the end of the day, one thing we have in common is that we are all screwed up in some way. 
• I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue. 
• The awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight. 
• Two roommates were watching the news. News: Serial killer on the loose. Blonde: Oh no! (runs to kitchen) Brunette: What are you doing? Blonde: Saving my cereal! 
• What is meant by Mixed Emotions? Your enemy falls from 17th floor on your brand new Audi and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
• My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. 
• I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!! 
• I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?” 
• When butterflies are in love, do they feel human’s in their stomach?
• Dear friend #317, maybe you should slip into something more comfortable….. like a Coma 
• A 3 a.m phone call “Were you asleep?” “No, I was skydiving!!!” 
• A cop pulled me over today and said: “papers”, so I said: “scissors, I win!” 
• My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!