Seniors with computers....

Genie on a Beach

   A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a bottle. He looked around but saw no one so he opened the bottle.
   A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness, I will grant you one wish but only one."
   The man thought for a minute and then said,"I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but was never able to go because I am afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be made from here to Hawaii."
   The genie thought for a long time and said,"No. I don't think I'll be able to do that. Just think of all the work needed with pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
   The man thought for a minute and then told the genie,"There is one other thing that I have always wanted. i would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along? Basically, what makes them tick?"
   The genie considered for a few minutes and then said,"So, do you want two lanes or four to Hawaii?" 

The Wisdom Of Supermodels...

• ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have atleast enough money to get a plastic surgery."--Beverly Johnson
• ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."--Kim Alexis
• ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."--Tyra Banks
• ON EPIPHANY: "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I am."--Christie Brinkley
• ON THE BASICS: "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."--Cheryl Tiegs
• ON PARADOX: "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."--Tatjana Patitz
• ON INSTINCT: "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers."--Carol Alt
• ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS:"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."--Cindy Crawford
• ON ECONOMICS:"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."--Lenda Evangelista
• ON MOTIVATION:"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to and I would."--Kate Moss
• ON VERSATILITY:"I can do anything you want me to do as long as I do not have to speak" --Lenda Evangelista

Yahan Nahane Mana Hai....

Police: Madam, yahan nahana mana hai.
Lady: Jab main kapde uttaar rahi thi, tab batana nahi tha?
Police: Yahan nahana mana hai, kapde utaarna nahi.

Witty Waiter...

Customer: Waiter, There's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's alright sir, he won't drink much..

Women Drivers!!

   "I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to the traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang driving at 65 miles per hour with her face  up next to her rear view window putting on her eyeliner!

   I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

   It scared me so bad that I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and spilled all over my cell phone!!"

Saas - Bahu

Saas: Khuda ne tumhe do aankhe di hai, chawal mein se patthar nahi nikaal sakti?
Bahu: Khuda ne aapko batis daant diye hai, 2-4 patthar nhi chabba sakti!!

Snails for Dinner

    A woman sends her husband out to buy snails for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, he stops off at a pub. Six beers later, he remembers: 'The dinner party!'
    He staggers to the store, buys all the snails they have, and staggers back home, where he promptly trips over the welcome mat, sending all the snails flying. Just then, the door opens. It's his wife, glaring at him. He looks at the snails scattered about and slurs, "Come on, guys, we're almost there!"

Greeting Cards you'll never see a hallmark on !!!

"Looking back over the years that we've been together I can't help but wonder......
'What the hell was I thinking'"

"Congratulations on your wedding day....
Too bad no one likes your wife"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
But since I've met you I've changed my mind"

"I must admit you brought Religion to my life.....
I never believed in Hell until I met you"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me"

"Someday I hope to get married....
But not to you"

"You look great for your age....
Alomst lifeless"

"When we were together, you always said that you'd die for me.....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise"

"It's so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and had only one life jacket....
I'll miss you heaps and think of you often"

"Your friends and I wanted to do something something on your birthday.....
So we're having you put to sleep"

Every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb !

All good things come to those who wait.....
BUT
Time and tide wait for none.

The pen is mightier than the sword.....
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.....
BUT
Fools seldom differ.

Slow and steady wins the race....
BUT
Time waits for none.

There's no such thing as a free lunch...
BUT
The best things in life are free.

Do it well, or nothing at all...
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.....
BUT
Opposites attract.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom....
BUT
Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes....
BUT
It isn't over till it's over.

Practise makes perfect....
BUT
All work and no play will makes jack a dull boy.

You're never too old to learn....
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander....
BUT
One man's meat is another man's poison.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors....
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Men....

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Missing Husband

    A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

   The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

A Gift Session....

    It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
   The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. 
   The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Modern Love Letters!

SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dearest Samantha,

   I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
  With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. 

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

   I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely, Max

MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
 Dear Max,
    Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
   However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
   I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
   Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
   Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
   Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, 
Samantha

Student's Life And Their Moments

Most irritating moment : Morning alarms
Most dreadful journey : Way to class
Most lovely time : Meeting your friends
Most tragic news : Test in the first period
Most wonderful news : Teacher is absent
Most relaxing area : Back Benchers
Most funny moment : Teacher cracks a joke and nobody laughs.

Sardarji In A Store

Sardar starts shouting in a store..."Where is my free gift with this oil?"
Shopkeeper: "There is nothing free with this oil."
Sardar: "It says CHOLESTEROL FREE"

Java Interview Attended By A Sardar

Q. Explain 2-tier and 3-tier architecture?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in COBRA?
A. As you wish, I do not have any objections.

Managed Care CEO Asked for Charity

The Chairman of a large charity noted that a wealthy CEO of a major care company had never given him a donation. He called on the CEO in an attempt to persuade him to mend his ways.
"Our reasearch shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to any community charities! What do you want to say for yourself?"
The CEO replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is build and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with 3 children?"
Sheepishily, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them," he continued, "Then why should I give any to you?"

TOUGH QUESTIONS

QUESTION 1
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? 


QUESTION 2
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. 
Who would you vote for?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. 
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler! 


For the abortion question, if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.


DON'T JUDGE A PERSON JUST LIKE THAT!!!

Animal's Photo Shoot...

General Equations And Statistics!!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Einstein!!!

Einstein teasing today's scientists.....:P

Buy A New Mac???

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.
I was against it and an argument started.
I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.
He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"
And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

A Blonde On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire??

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Barbara: "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
< Barbara repeats the question >
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

---

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Counseling...

A couple were having marital problems. For Valentines' Day, they decided to do the right thing and they contacted a marriage counselor.
Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually the counselor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the women and asking her to stand up, he gave her a big hug.
He turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once every day."
The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Eating Kids...

Parasite....

Teacher: What is a parasite?
Student: Something you see in Paris.

Onions

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keeps everyone away.

New York -- Capital of Punjab

Santa's Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab .
Santa: Why are you praying for that?
Santa's Son: That is what I have written in my exam.

Give me sometime

Student: give me sumtime,
Give me some brain
Give me anther chance to
write my paper once again
Examiner: na na na nana na na

Sodium fell in love with a Bunsen burner...

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

Good, Bad And the Worse

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
 Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
 Bad: It's performance art.

Would you please do me a favor?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
 Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

Definition Of Island.....

Teacher: Define island....
Student: A place surrounded by all sides but from the top......

Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. 
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Old Grudges...

There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese." The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me." 
The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking. About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic." The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."
The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."

Men....

Q. Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
A. When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
     When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

Stupidity.....

Sideways.....

FACE - BOOK

Servant....

Hearing a department store clerk address me as "Ma'am," four-year- old Jennifer asked what that meant. "Ma'am is short for madam," I replied. "It's a polite way to address a woman."
Jennifer asked what name Daddy would be called.
 "Sir," I answered.
"Sir ..." she thought for a moment, "that must be short for servant!"

Sardarji buys a computer !!!

REVENGE !!!

 A Bird's Planning
 Zebra - Crossing 

Human Bank   

Revenge Of A Mouse 

The Height Of.....

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:
Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
Writing a love mail and doing a ‘Send All.’

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:
 A person sending email to himself.

HEIGHT OF FLIRTING:

When your love letter starts with "TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY BE CONCERNED" 

HEIGHT OF HONESTY:

When a pregnant woman gos to watch a movie and buys one and a half tickets.

HEIGHT OF BROWSING:
 You are swimming in the water tank and shout 'F1 F1 F1 ' instead of shouting 'HELP' when you are unable to swim...

HEIGHT OF PATRIOTISM
You are sitting on an English toilet in Indian style.

HEIGHT OF FASHION:

Dhoti with a zip.

HEIGHT OF SECRECY:

Offering blank visiting cards.

HEIGHT OF CRAZINESS:

Getting a blank paper xeroxed.

HEIGHT OF FORGETFULNESS:

Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

HEIGHT OF STUPIDITY:

A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

HEIGHT OF SUICIDE:

A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

HEIGHT OF DE-HYDRATION:

A cow giving milk powder.

HEIGHT OF BAD LUCK: 

A vegetarian eating a chicken piece for the first time in his life and dies because of BIRD FLU

HEIGHT OF COURAGE:
A senior student while ragging a junior "I will kiss your wife on your wedding", Junior answers "Thats ok sir....... but i will marry your sister...."

Microsoft....

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
    Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
    "The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

McDonald ?

Kid : Dad, Can we go to McDonald?"
Dad : Only if you can spell McDonalds.

Kid (Thought for a minute, turned around and said) : Can we go to KFC instead?"

Be A Programmer....

A Boy Got Caught In Class Throwing Paper Airplanes. Teacher Gave Him Punishment To Write 5000 Times "I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes In Class." And Submit It Tomorrow.
Next Day, He Submitted The Paper Written

#Include
#Include
Void Main( )
{
    Clrscr( );Int N;
    For( N=1 ; N<=5000 ; N++ )
    Printf("I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes In Class");
    Getch( );
}

Brave Dog !!!

Appointment Letter From Amrika !!!

Santa Singh sent his bio data to America to apply for a post in Microsoft.

A few days later he got this reply:-
"Dear Mr. Singh,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks"
Santa Singh jumped with joy on receiving this reply.

He arranged a party and when all the guests had come,
he said "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar Khushi hogee ki mujhay Amrika mein Naukri Mil Gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Santa Singh continued, "Ab main aap sab ko apnaa Appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa, par letter English main hai Isliyen saath-saath Hindi main Translate bhee kartaa jaongaa."
" Dear Mr. Singh ----- pyare singh sahab
You do not meet ---- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ---- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondence ---- ab letter vetter bhejnay kee zaroorat nahee hai.
No phone call ---- phone vone kee bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ---- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ---- aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya" 

Job Interview

While taking the interview...
The Employer: 'How long did you work during your last job.'
Sardarji: '30 years.'
The Employer: 'What's your age?
Sardarji: '20 Years.'
The Employer(with surprise): How it is possible that you are 20 and have a experience of 30 years.
Sardarji: 'Overtime.'