Saying Goodbye To Mother

   We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
   We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
   Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
   A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
   The cab driver hit a parked car.

Snails for Dinner

    A woman sends her husband out to buy snails for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, he stops off at a pub. Six beers later, he remembers: 'The dinner party!'
    He staggers to the store, buys all the snails they have, and staggers back home, where he promptly trips over the welcome mat, sending all the snails flying. Just then, the door opens. It's his wife, glaring at him. He looks at the snails scattered about and slurs, "Come on, guys, we're almost there!"