What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What An Innocent Assumption!

Too Tired To Go On....

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

A Million Dollars

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then helooked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."

Dead Friend

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Falling In Love...

Show Off!!!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Lesson from the movie - '3 Idiots'

Teacher: '3 Idiots' film dekhney ke baad aap ko kya lesson mila?
Pappu: miss yehi ki....Engineering padh kar bhi medical ki ladhki patai jaa sakti hai.
Teacher: Shut up and get out.
.
Babloo: miss main bataon?
Teacher: very good, batao...
Babloo: miss, college ke first day underwear zaroor pehna chahiye.
Teacher: Get out...
.
Shamu: miss main bataon???
Teacher: I think you are a brilliant child...tum sahi bataoge.
Shamu: Miss doctor ke elawa engineer bhi delivery kar sakta hai!
Teacher: Get out....
.
Gudoo: Miss main bataon??
Gudoo: French kiss mein naak beech mein nahi aati...
.
Students Rock...

Time To Study

It is not a fault of the student because there are only 365 days in a year.
Now, Days in a year = 365

Sundays = 52
Sundays are meant for rest.
Days left = 313 days

Summer vacations = 60 days
Weather is very hot, and it's a vacation.
Days left = 253 days

8 hours of daily sleep = 122 days
Sleep is necessary.
Days left = 131 days

1 hour daily for play = 15 days
It's good for health.
Days left = 116 days

2 hours daily for food = 30 days
Chew the food properly, forget about the time.
Days left = 86 days

Examination days in a year = 30 days
Giving exams is necessary.
Days left =  56 days

Winter vacations = 25 days
It is cold and hard to study.
Days left = 31 days

Other holidays = 20 days
These holidays are to enjoy.
Days left = 11 days

Illness atleast once a year = 8 days
Because of illness, study is not possible.
Days left = 3 days

Result days = 3 days
Going and taking results is necessary.
Days left = 0 days

So tell me when can we study? 

Why did Pappu fail in his exams?

The reason is:

Parents Evolution

Feeling the child move - 
    First child: I placed my hand on my wife's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
    Second child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I ran quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letters to our family.
    Third child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it out during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.
    Fourth child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said,"Can you make your tummy still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for delivery.  

Who can say this sentence?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says,"I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies,"That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says,"I hate liver and cheese." She says,"That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says,"Liver alone,....Cheese mine."

Why you shouldn't drink....

Good Hunter....

Excuse For Speeding

A police officer attempts to stop a car from speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 kmph. he eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "it's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go."
the guy thinks for a few seconds and then says,"My wife ran away with a cop last week. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back to me."

Longest Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoH ueyLouieDeweyDon aldGoofySacramen to"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be atleast 8 characters long and include atleast one capital.