Saying Goodbye To Mother

   We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
   We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
   Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
   A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
   The cab driver hit a parked car.

Excuse For Speeding

A police officer attempts to stop a car from speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 kmph. he eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "it's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go."
the guy thinks for a few seconds and then says,"My wife ran away with a cop last week. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back to me."