Dear Whoever..

Happily Ever After

A couple celebrated their 25th Marriage Anniversary. They were famous for not having fought in 25 years.
Guests: Sir, its amazing. How did you make it possible?
Husband: We had been to Texas for honeymoon. We did horse riding.
My wife’s horse was a crazy one. On the way that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
She patted the horse’s back & said “This is ur 1st time”
After a while it happend again.
She said “this is ur 2nd time” & continued.
When the horse dropped her 3rd time, she silently took out a revolver & shot the horse dead!
I shouted: what did u do, you psycho! U killed the poor animal. R u crazy?
She gave me a silent look and said “This is YOUR first time!”
Husband to guestg: “Thats it.. since then we are Happy Ever After…”

When Your Friend Introduces You To Someone, And Then Goes Off To Attend A Phone Call

From A Mother With Love

Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Try Answering This...

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!!

3 is equal to 4

Theorem: 3 = 4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . ‘HEBREWS’

The Printer Problem

Saying Goodbye To Mother

   We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
   We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
   Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
   A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
   The cab driver hit a parked car.

Gun Control

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

Brilliant neighbours

Farting all the time...

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Minutes Ago...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a
gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s...... out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.

Little Girl On A Plane

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"
Then she went back to reading her book.

Romantic Compliment

Wife standing in front of a mirror and telling to her husband, “I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?” Husband replied, “Your eyesight is still excellent.”

Funny Facebook Status Updates

• Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.
• Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, and then turn it to the left. Repeat the exercise every time you are offered something to eat. 
• At the end of the day, one thing we have in common is that we are all screwed up in some way. 
• I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue. 
• The awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight. 
• Two roommates were watching the news. News: Serial killer on the loose. Blonde: Oh no! (runs to kitchen) Brunette: What are you doing? Blonde: Saving my cereal! 
• What is meant by Mixed Emotions? Your enemy falls from 17th floor on your brand new Audi and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
• My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. 
• I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!! 
• I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?” 
• When butterflies are in love, do they feel human’s in their stomach?
• Dear friend #317, maybe you should slip into something more comfortable….. like a Coma 
• A 3 a.m phone call “Were you asleep?” “No, I was skydiving!!!” 
• A cop pulled me over today and said: “papers”, so I said: “scissors, I win!” 
• My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

Black and White

Only Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!"

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What An Innocent Assumption!

Too Tired To Go On....

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

A Million Dollars

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then helooked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."

Dead Friend

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Falling In Love...

Show Off!!!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Lesson from the movie - '3 Idiots'

Teacher: '3 Idiots' film dekhney ke baad aap ko kya lesson mila?
Pappu: miss yehi ki....Engineering padh kar bhi medical ki ladhki patai jaa sakti hai.
Teacher: Shut up and get out.
.
Babloo: miss main bataon?
Teacher: very good, batao...
Babloo: miss, college ke first day underwear zaroor pehna chahiye.
Teacher: Get out...
.
Shamu: miss main bataon???
Teacher: I think you are a brilliant child...tum sahi bataoge.
Shamu: Miss doctor ke elawa engineer bhi delivery kar sakta hai!
Teacher: Get out....
.
Gudoo: Miss main bataon??
Gudoo: French kiss mein naak beech mein nahi aati...
.
Students Rock...

Time To Study

It is not a fault of the student because there are only 365 days in a year.
Now, Days in a year = 365

Sundays = 52
Sundays are meant for rest.
Days left = 313 days

Summer vacations = 60 days
Weather is very hot, and it's a vacation.
Days left = 253 days

8 hours of daily sleep = 122 days
Sleep is necessary.
Days left = 131 days

1 hour daily for play = 15 days
It's good for health.
Days left = 116 days

2 hours daily for food = 30 days
Chew the food properly, forget about the time.
Days left = 86 days

Examination days in a year = 30 days
Giving exams is necessary.
Days left =  56 days

Winter vacations = 25 days
It is cold and hard to study.
Days left = 31 days

Other holidays = 20 days
These holidays are to enjoy.
Days left = 11 days

Illness atleast once a year = 8 days
Because of illness, study is not possible.
Days left = 3 days

Result days = 3 days
Going and taking results is necessary.
Days left = 0 days

So tell me when can we study? 

Why did Pappu fail in his exams?

The reason is:

Parents Evolution

Feeling the child move - 
    First child: I placed my hand on my wife's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
    Second child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I ran quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letters to our family.
    Third child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it out during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.
    Fourth child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said,"Can you make your tummy still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for delivery.  

Who can say this sentence?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says,"I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies,"That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says,"I hate liver and cheese." She says,"That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says,"Liver alone,....Cheese mine."

Why you shouldn't drink....

Good Hunter....

Excuse For Speeding

A police officer attempts to stop a car from speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 kmph. he eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "it's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go."
the guy thinks for a few seconds and then says,"My wife ran away with a cop last week. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back to me."

Longest Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoH ueyLouieDeweyDon aldGoofySacramen to"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be atleast 8 characters long and include atleast one capital.

Love Letter By A Mathematician

De-Morgan's Law,
Binomial Avenue,
United States Of Matrices.


My Dear Love,
Yesterday I was passing  by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute face, conical nose, and spherical eyes, standing there in your triangular garden. before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relations with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise  that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry fo my life resolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at the Parabola Restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.


Your ever loving,
An Unknown Function  

Answer them...

• Why does someone believe that there are 4 million stars out there, but check when someone tells them that the paint is wet?
• What is the speed of darkness?
• If the temperature outside is zero today and it is said that it is going to be twice as cold tomorrow, what will be the temperature tomorrow?
• Why do people point to their wrists when asking for time but don't point to their bum when asking for where the bathroom is?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, vegetable oil from vegetable then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, then do morality come from morons?
• Why do the Alphabet Song and twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune??
• Stop singing and read on...
• Why does Goofy stand erect and Pluto is always on his fours? Both are dogs..!!
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look down?

Dictionary For Women...

• Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it as yet.
• Airhead: What a woman becomes intentionally whenpulled over by a policeman.
• Bar-be-que: You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."
• Blonde Jokes: Jokes that are short so that men can understand them.
• Eternity: The last two minutes of a football match.
• Exercise: To walk up and down the shopping mall and. resting occasionally to make a purchase.
• Grocery List: What you spend half an hour writing and then, forget taking it with you.
• Hair Dresser: Someone who is able to create a style that you are never able to copy again.
• Patience: The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
• Waterproof Mascara: Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
• Valentine's Day: A day when you have dreams of candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Men at Work...

Desperate Man

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.