Minutes Ago...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a
gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s...... out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.

Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. 
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."