Minutes Ago...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a
gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s...... out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.

Little Girl On A Plane

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"
Then she went back to reading her book.

Romantic Compliment

Wife standing in front of a mirror and telling to her husband, “I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?” Husband replied, “Your eyesight is still excellent.”

Funny Facebook Status Updates

• Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.
• Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, and then turn it to the left. Repeat the exercise every time you are offered something to eat. 
• At the end of the day, one thing we have in common is that we are all screwed up in some way. 
• I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue. 
• The awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight. 
• Two roommates were watching the news. News: Serial killer on the loose. Blonde: Oh no! (runs to kitchen) Brunette: What are you doing? Blonde: Saving my cereal! 
• What is meant by Mixed Emotions? Your enemy falls from 17th floor on your brand new Audi and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
• My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. 
• I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!! 
• I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?” 
• When butterflies are in love, do they feel human’s in their stomach?
• Dear friend #317, maybe you should slip into something more comfortable….. like a Coma 
• A 3 a.m phone call “Were you asleep?” “No, I was skydiving!!!” 
• A cop pulled me over today and said: “papers”, so I said: “scissors, I win!” 
• My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

Black and White

Only Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!"

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What An Innocent Assumption!

Too Tired To Go On....

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.