Seniors with computers....

Genie on a Beach

   A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a bottle. He looked around but saw no one so he opened the bottle.
   A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness, I will grant you one wish but only one."
   The man thought for a minute and then said,"I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but was never able to go because I am afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be made from here to Hawaii."
   The genie thought for a long time and said,"No. I don't think I'll be able to do that. Just think of all the work needed with pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
   The man thought for a minute and then told the genie,"There is one other thing that I have always wanted. i would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along? Basically, what makes them tick?"
   The genie considered for a few minutes and then said,"So, do you want two lanes or four to Hawaii?" 

The Wisdom Of Supermodels...

• ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have atleast enough money to get a plastic surgery."--Beverly Johnson
• ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."--Kim Alexis
• ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."--Tyra Banks
• ON EPIPHANY: "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I am."--Christie Brinkley
• ON THE BASICS: "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."--Cheryl Tiegs
• ON PARADOX: "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."--Tatjana Patitz
• ON INSTINCT: "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers."--Carol Alt
• ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS:"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."--Cindy Crawford
• ON ECONOMICS:"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."--Lenda Evangelista
• ON MOTIVATION:"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to and I would."--Kate Moss
• ON VERSATILITY:"I can do anything you want me to do as long as I do not have to speak" --Lenda Evangelista

Yahan Nahane Mana Hai....

Police: Madam, yahan nahana mana hai.
Lady: Jab main kapde uttaar rahi thi, tab batana nahi tha?
Police: Yahan nahana mana hai, kapde utaarna nahi.

Witty Waiter...

Customer: Waiter, There's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's alright sir, he won't drink much..

Women Drivers!!

   "I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to the traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang driving at 65 miles per hour with her face  up next to her rear view window putting on her eyeliner!

   I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

   It scared me so bad that I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and spilled all over my cell phone!!"

Saas - Bahu

Saas: Khuda ne tumhe do aankhe di hai, chawal mein se patthar nahi nikaal sakti?
Bahu: Khuda ne aapko batis daant diye hai, 2-4 patthar nhi chabba sakti!!

Snails for Dinner

    A woman sends her husband out to buy snails for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, he stops off at a pub. Six beers later, he remembers: 'The dinner party!'
    He staggers to the store, buys all the snails they have, and staggers back home, where he promptly trips over the welcome mat, sending all the snails flying. Just then, the door opens. It's his wife, glaring at him. He looks at the snails scattered about and slurs, "Come on, guys, we're almost there!"

Greeting Cards you'll never see a hallmark on !!!

"Looking back over the years that we've been together I can't help but wonder......
'What the hell was I thinking'"

"Congratulations on your wedding day....
Too bad no one likes your wife"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
But since I've met you I've changed my mind"

"I must admit you brought Religion to my life.....
I never believed in Hell until I met you"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me"

"Someday I hope to get married....
But not to you"

"You look great for your age....
Alomst lifeless"

"When we were together, you always said that you'd die for me.....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise"

"It's so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and had only one life jacket....
I'll miss you heaps and think of you often"

"Your friends and I wanted to do something something on your birthday.....
So we're having you put to sleep"

Every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb !

All good things come to those who wait.....
BUT
Time and tide wait for none.

The pen is mightier than the sword.....
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.....
BUT
Fools seldom differ.

Slow and steady wins the race....
BUT
Time waits for none.

There's no such thing as a free lunch...
BUT
The best things in life are free.

Do it well, or nothing at all...
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.....
BUT
Opposites attract.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom....
BUT
Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes....
BUT
It isn't over till it's over.

Practise makes perfect....
BUT
All work and no play will makes jack a dull boy.

You're never too old to learn....
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander....
BUT
One man's meat is another man's poison.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors....
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.